Fathers day without a Father?

Fathers day.
A day when things get rubbed in my face and kind of leave me raw.
I tend not too like holidays that focus around family.
Many people call me scrooge names that label me as unthankful, maybe even unhappy.

Which is totally incorrect. But I mean when all over the media and facebook you see your friends and others gushing over their fathers. when you dont really have a father figure....ya it hurts.

Yes I have a dad...but I think the word dad is respectful and loving ..or even just memories.

Problem..I dont respect my dad..nor do I have memories.

The day my father walked out of my life was the day I stoped labeling him as my own.

Sure I love him but its mearly a forced love relationship.

Many will read this and think up ways to make me seem like a bad person.

though until you have your father give you up for something incapable of loving him. something so small and powerful that he turns his back..when you father loves a drug more then his own kind...thats the day someone can judge.

Im not complaining and I dont want sympathy. I just felt like stating the ones who dont have parents or family I feel your empathy on these holidays.

Adopted but biologically you should have been mine

I may not have family, but I have the most amazing friends.
I may be adopted but I feel as though Biologically your my family.
I may not seem like your typical girl but Im the most lucky.
My friends have stuck together for 10 yrs now.
They are my prize posessions. Im proud of them indivdually and as a whole.
together we are one and we will probably be together forever.
Love you xo

Silence

Shallow faint breathing
The quite murmur while swallowing
The noise of your pants shafting
The far away sound of an old man whistling
Chills your body.
Head to toe.
Your hair stands straight up
You enjoy the peace and quite
You embrace it.

Body and soul

You envy the silence that shall never exist
In our world silence is dim
Listen carefully.
Dead chilling screams.
Gun shots.
The loud world surrounds you.
There is no getting away.
No corners to hide in
Nothing to hide under

You tune out our peace and quite.
It’s bitter.
Heart wrenching and sweet

Our eyes slightly open, seeing and feeding upon the universe we see around us
The artificially fake world.
We turn blind again.
When bad seeks our way we turn.
We run.
Rewind. Fast forward. Pause. Stop

For there is no where to go.

                          

 

                               No place of peace

                                          

 

                                         No noise...

 

Enjoy your time in hell.

,

I haven't wanted to be here for a long time.

I no longer want to feel the weight on my shoulders.

I'm sick.

I don't want your help.

I don't need your hep.

I just need to find an escape.

Memories haunt me.

flash backs over power my vision

Death speaks out to me.

I want it so bad.

People wont understand.

They cant understand.

the ones who do are above.

waiting for my arrival.

I'm confined in a cave.

Trapped and waiting for a way out.

Hands reach for me.

I'm to weak, or rather there not giving their all.

The courageous free girl I was,

months ago.

They got a hold of me, knocked me down.

We all say don't let them get to you but face it

its eating you alive.

remember the kid.

the heart breaker

the cheater

the bully

the rich kid

the poor kid.

The kids that destroyed you.

The friends you once had

the friends who took you for granted.

Is it eating you up?

I hope so.

Get swallowed into life

the stomach, the acid pit.

Burning you inside out.

The girl who had your back

your turn came and you sold her out

you stood in the shadows

watching them take stabs one at a time.

I blame you.

People say don't blame others.

that statement is very false.

Laws are blames/

We blame those for their wrong.

So confess your guilty

you did me wrong.

and so I blame you.

I blame you for not acting upon your instincts

for taking me for granted

for building your self up

and breaking me down.

I'm the loser;

your the cool kid.

that's how the story goes right?

Childish?

While I lay in my cave

I ponder over a way out.

whats a few more seconds of pain

I know myself,

I know you.

I know your strengths,

I know your weaknesses.

I know how to break you

But I'm just not pathetic enough.

God wants me.

I want him.

the heavens praise

and the clouds part

screaming my name

waiting for my rise.

I win.

Enjoy your time in hell.